Eternal torment: The Search

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Lately, I've been pondering how long friendships may last. As much as I would like them to last a lifetime, it somehow seems like an unattainable dream. I will forever treasure the friendships we have but it just doesn't feel the same. It's like we're drifting, moving apart. I don't know if it hurts or not; there's this strange awkwardness when we meet, like we're two complete strangers. Try as we might, perhaps, it's time to admit, we no longer are as close as we once were; I barely know you now.

I guess starting on such a heavy note; I doubt writing down the past events will lighten the rather sombre mood now huh? But then again, I'm prone to mood swings so erm yeah. Screw 'em.

Went to town with a friend. Saw two Salvador Dali's works but couldn't find the Opera Gallery to see more works but we did manage to catch the etched glasses exhibition. He tried to persuade me to play pool but to no avail. We headed down to Marks & Spencers where I got this fantastic cookies. Then we had dinner at Delifrance Compass Point. Ok, so I skipped my meal entirely and just heeded straight for dessert.

The next day, went for Alumni meeting. I guess so far it's alright. I'm now an Associate Officer and possibly involved in the newsletter. It's weird that I can somehow feel comfortable with people who are older than me and yet I feel awkward amongst peers my age or younger. Other than my circle of friends, I actually find it tough to be able to relate to them- perhaps it's just one of the quirks that make me unique?

Headed to Geylang in the late afternoon to accompany my aunt, uncle and cousins before we have dinner with my family. Being in Geylang somehow unnerves me. The throngs of people coming in and out make me dizzy and sick. However, I question why I am able to enjoy, heck, I even revel in the Orchard Rd crowds. My cousin speculates that perhaps it's the types of people in the crowd that makes the different and I can't help but agree. I somehow don't feel comfortable mingling amongst a lot of people of my own race. Am I being a racist snob of sorts? Perhaps, I am indeed rejecting Malay as part of my identity. I rarely speak in Malay; I have difficulty expressing myself in my native tongue, much to the chagrin of my father. Bleh.

Today in Madrasah, being the first day of fasting and all, the atmosphere in the classroom was rather subdued- perhaps, the blown out fuse added to the mood. And yet, it slowly picked up. The topic taught today was how to treat visitors. It's a lame topic but hey, I don't mind. It was an eye-opener to know that some people find it offensive to watch tv when they're visiting. But as far as I can recall, when we do visit one another during the festive occasion, more often than not, visitors often converge to watch TV, occasionally speaking to one another. I learnt that some of them wanted more conversations but I question this. How much questions can one ask? I hate those types of forced conversations; I'd rather be silent than contribute a useless point. Other than that, I also learnt that most of my classmates do converse in Malay amongst themselves. I guess I belong to the other camp; the ones who converse heavily in English. Weird huh?

Osama is reported to have died. If so, I can't help but wonder about the repercussions of it. Will terrorism still reign? I guessing it may get more violent as cells split from one another, forming more unstable fractions groups, some more extremist than others. The news have reported that in Iraq, one group just killed many innocent woman and children on the holiest month in the Islamic calender. Such groups often align themselves as Islamic but their actions aren't; barbaric, even animalistic. It's as though all of them are pitting themselves against others to become this century's Nazis.

It's as though humans are on the path of self-destruction. Where the hell have people's moral compasses gone? Where has compassion, kindness, integrity, generousity etc have gone to? Did someone found another Pandora's box and released the contents? We live in a world where people seemingly have no qualms of killing one another based on differences of opinion, let alone colour, religion, sexuality etc. When will mankind wake up from their delusions and look at the destruction and chaos they have caused and will they realise that they're hurting one another, producing dangerous cycles of violence and intolerance, staining the ground red and black? Will they realise that as they are fighting, they are killing not just themselves but the world? This world is NOT ours. We're just taking care of it for the future generations. But if we continue this persistent shit, then will there even be anything left to stand on for the next generation?

Give peace a chance. (Now that Osama is gone, I pray that Bush will stop too.)

I wonder who will win the next elections...haiz...

Btw, did anyone watch Bridging Minds? Although I liked the new format, I can't help but wonder what happened to the debators of the top schools in Singapore? Did they not participate? It was rather embarassing to see that Brunei representatives were more articulate, more fluent and generally better than us.

And the IMF has officially ended and the prostitution is over. I can't help but imagine Singapore as this desperate woman who has put on excessive powdery make-up and dumped an entire bottle of perfume over her, dressed in the most extravagant haute couture clothes that looks plain tacky just to impress her visitors from afar. She smiles a tad too forcefully; itching for money. And now that her clients, I mean visitors have left, she's returned back to being the wallpaper that she is in the office, working diligently, with nary a smile. The rigid, stiff lipped woman is back, dressed in her usual grey pant suit, now working furiously away in the office. And no one notices her.

Transmitted on 7:04 AM

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