Eternal torment: The Search

Friday, September 29, 2006

Yesterday, Children's Day celebrations were held. I was tasked to hand out yakult and files. I can still remember the ice cold water...the numbness of it all. It affected me in such a way that I wasn't able to type properly at all; missing out letters and all. Thankfully, such agonising numbness rarely persist. I would say that yesterday, I received a rather meaningful gift - to have a conversation with my Malay teacher. He taught me from p4 onwards and he has indeed helped to mould me a wee bit. Ok, I'm crapping. I won't even be able to pinpoint in what ways he has affected me but he sure has made an impact in my life.

He actually came in to escape the stifling heat outside. After guiding a child to narrate, we talked. And it's strange but somehow it seems like he know me better than most people. He knows where my interest lies, knows where my strengths are etc. Naturally, the topic was the path I took. It was a chance to just tell. He, like countless others, admitted he was shocked over my decision to take horti. I wonder, if I had indeed called him, would I have stayed? I know it's useless to think about the what ifs but it's a bit of a habit. Until today, I'm still thinking whether I should have gone against my mother's decision and go into RI. But then again, if I had done so, I wouldn't have met my sisters nor my brothers nor...oh what the heck.

He was able to understand me on levels that not many can grasp. Hearing about his nephew was akin to listening to a what if story of my life. But anyways, he came to a conclusion that I myself can't admit. As I listened, it dawned on me that it was indeed the truth. I've been feeling displaced, disoriented, like a sailor lost at sea, stranded on an island.

So yes, it was indeed nice to just talk, and let my thoughts stew. I haven't been doing my reflections (which WAS one of my goals for this year). Anyways, he gave me some advise and left me feeling somehow enlightened. Weird, I know. But it's the closest word I have for now.

Of course, later, we talked again and I found out that he took the path I once considered. (and still am). I just find it rather surprising that he's an English & Lit major and he's teaching Malay. I had always thought he took up Malay lit or something but nope. Oh, it was delightful to briefly talk about lit.

I still am undecided over the next step but one thing's for sure. I'm gonna get myself an A cert and take the SAT papers. All in due time of course.

I wonder why some people hold such deep seated animousity towards modern literature. Can't they realise that literature is not just about reading a book? That its very essense is of human nature itself? I don't understand why books, authors need to be banned. At the very least, can't the book only exist as a copy in the restricted section? And holy hell, I almost burst out loud when I found out that 12th Night was once banned, along with Black Beauty, The Giver and an assortement of other books. Sure, Sades De Marqui's graphic, oversexualised works are a tad disturbing but they shouldn't be restricted. Oh well. Thank heavens for the Internet. Here's to hoping we can recreate the modern Library of Alexandria!

Transmitted on 8:53 PM

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